My clients often spin themselves out worrying about what other people are thinking.

They spend precious life time trying to “figure out” the intentions of people they work, socialize, or live with. They gnaw their nails wondering what someone “meant” by a word, a look, or lack thereof.

Example: You’re talking with five colleagues on Zoom, presenting a report you worked on for two weeks. It all goes pretty well. You notice one colleague keeps looking away from the screen as you talk — up, down, to the right, to the left — but rarely into his camera. The call ends.

But it doesn’t end. Because you’re still on that Zoom call in your head, wondering why in the heck Joe wasn’t paying attention to you (even though the other four people were).

“Joe has never liked me,” you tell your roommate when you run into her in the kitchen after the call ends. “I would never disrespect Joe like that,” you mutter as you take out the trash four hours later. “Joe was probably texting his girlfriend while I was talking; he’s such a jerk,” your inner monologue concludes while you’re brushing your teeth before you go to bed.

But here’s the thing: You can’t possibly guess or intuit or divine or figure out what another person is thinking or why they are doing or not doing something. You might have ideas or assumptions based on past experience with Joe or other people; or you might have hunches — based on your amazing psychic ability, a gut feeling, or which way the stars are spinning in the sky. But none of those amazing skills make it possible to know for sure what another person is thinking.

So why do so many of us claw our brains out playing a guessing game?

Two reasons: we can’t stand uncertainty (which is why we make up stories for what others must be thinking) and we can’t take responsibility … for ourselves.

There’s only one way to know for certain what another person is thinking: ask. And even if they give you an answer — for a wide variety of reasons both valid and invalid, you might not believe them.

And that’s where personal responsibility comes in.

You have to have the discipline (and it’s a muscle you can grow through repetition) to accept what someone tells you. To say to yourself: “Asked. Answered. Accepted.” Then move on.

It’s about being willing to respect others enough to accept what they tell you is true and to trust yourself that you can live with their answers.

Living with uncertainty looks like this: “Joe didn’t appear to be paying attention to me during the call. That stings, but people are sometimes distracted, especially these days. Oh, well. I hope he’s okay.”

Taking responsibility might sound like this: “It’s still bugging me that Joe was not paying attention to me. I’m going to email him and see how he’s doing. I might say, ‘Hi Joe, I wasn’t sure if my presentation resonated with you … if there’s anything you can think of that I could do to improve future reports, I welcome any feedback.'”

In this way, you’re giving a colleague the benefit of the doubt, subtly and professionally, and you’re giving him an opportunity to say, “Oh, no, it was great, but I had a migraine that morning and looking at the screen was driving me nuts!” Even if he’s lying through his teeth, you’ve asked, he’s answered, and you can gracefully open your heart and mind to “let it be.”

It’s not as easy in personal relationships, where we often assume we have X-ray insights into what our close friends and family members are thinking.

Example: Your friend comments to you, “Wow, your hair is getting long.” You could personalize that comment, telling yourself: “Oh, great, she obviously thinks I need a hair cut.” Or you could take responsibility for your relationship and your peace of mind and say with a smile, “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Or even, better, simply say, “Sure is!” And let your mind flutter wildly free with the knowledge that you don’t have to wonder one way or the other what she’s thinking and trust that if she has more thoughts to share, she will.

The tactic of accepting what people tell you, when they tell you, works especially well with passive aggressive people or people who like to slide in negative feedback or opinions without clearly stating them. Such people make statements sometimes with the intention to try to get you to dig deeper so they can then level their complaint or criticism on your dime instead of theirs — i.e., “Well, you asked!” they can say. In this way, they can pass the buck to you so they can share something negative without bringing it up themselves. Don’t buy into that game. Greet their comments with neutrality and any intention they may have behind the comment will be neutralized.

Focus less on what people might be thinking, and focus more on how you want to feel and how you want to be in the world. Shifting your focus to yourself might seem “self-centered” but in this context, it’s actually “other-centered” because you are respecting others enough to allow them to decide when and where and how they will tell you what they’re thinking. It actually keeps you in your own business as opposed to thinking you know jack-all about someone else’s interior business.

In other words: #ThinkAboutWhatMatters #FuggedaboutWhatDoesn’t

Stay safe. Be well.